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I learnt to walk in heels on the frozen asphalt in New York at 4am on a January morning. I kissed two boys in the same bar, on the same night, and felt nothing. I learnt to teeter on my heels when I bolted out of the bar into the street, and flagged down a cab. I laughed the whole way back to my hotel, where I promptly collapsed in a soggy heap on top of the hotel sheets.
I became solid, unlike my former threadbare self. I can feel my edges again.
My new home is spacious, and full of light. My bedroom is painted the exact shade of green I used to dream about. He doesn't know my address, he can't pinpoint me on a map, and I cherish that fact every night before I fall asleep in the bed I now spread out in like a starfish. I don't feel surrounded by empty spaces anymore.
There are still frenzied nights--I dream of sharks circling, and buildings falling down around me. Sometimes, I can still feel the wind howl through me. But, I do my best to fill the emptiness with whatever small bit of joy I can manage--stars, cigarettes, a laugh, a song. No memories, though. I treasure the newness of this solitary life, I don't find any joy in remembering the old one.
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